You want to be a loving wife. ❤️ A reliable husband. ❤️ A caring daughter. ❤️ A resourceful son. ❤️

You have no desire to upset your wife, demean your husband, blow up at your mom, or yell at your dad. Yet… you are.

Your frustration around “getting him or her to do things” is wrecking your relationship. And for what it’s worth, it’s not who you want to be.

Allow me to share a story with you; one to which you might relate. 

Vivian was an extremely independent woman, having managed a lot in her life. She believed she remained in control of her calendar. She believed she made her own appointments and succeeded in getting to them on time.

However, her short-term memory loss robbed her of this ability over a year ago.

Her daughter, Clare, had slowly and gradually taken over this management for her.

One morning, Vivian had an appointment at the cardiologist. Clare had put it on the calendar. She’d called the night before to remind her. She’d chosen the time carefully because her mom is usually up early. She’d waited six months for this appointment. It was important.

That morning, when Clare arrived, Vivian was still in pajama’s and had no idea about the appointment!  Furthermore, she was upset with Clare for insinuating that she, Vivian, had messed up!

Clare did what so many of us do. She tried to convince and cajole her mom into putting on clothes and getting into the car. While Clare started by explaining she had called the night before, she confirmed it with her mom and it was in Vivian’s calendar, etc. Vivian denied it all!  Clare’s frustration mounted as did Vivian’s and while they did make it to the appt, close to on time, no doubt Vivian’s blood pressure was up and so was Clare’s!

Are you thinking, “is this story familiar?  Familiar?  I am thinking, “where do you have the hidden camera set up in my mom’s home where you watched what happened this morning????”  

Is it safe to say, you know the story?  

Is it safe to say that once or ten times, you could replace Clare and Vivian’s names with your name and either your spouse or parent?  

You know that trying to explain it and remind her or him you did everything right is not the answer (you have enough trial and error scars to prove this to yourself). 

BUT, what DO YOU DO?

The Origins of This Mistake (Why Do you KEEP Making This Mistake?)

Let’s take a step back to determine why you are making the mistake (spoiler alert - you care about someone and give thought to helping them - all good things) before we jump into steps you can take to fix it! 

Let’s define what reasoning is and how it is used EVERY DAY.

• Telling your best friend you can’t get together for dinner because you came down with a cold.
• Advocating to your boss that you deserve a promotion because you have outperformed your co-workers and in less time.
• Taking Tylenol before you go to bed because your body is sore from your work out.

Reasoning is “this, because of that”.  

• Making a dinner reservation because you want to make sure there is a table available for you and your party.

 Do you notice something about the examples?  

They are unrelated.  They span all aspects of life.  This is one of the most NORMAL elements in our lives!  EVERY DAY.  In relationships, in decisions, in behavior, in our thoughts! 

EVERY WHERE.  

Now, stop. Stop doing this most normal way of communication.

Do you understand why this is so hard?  This subconscious way of life doesn’t work here.  You know not to do this with your spouse or parent who has dementia, but you can’t stop because this is the only area of your life where you have to stop.  

You are going 100 miles an hour and must turn on a dime.  Well, I am no race car driver (though some NYS cops would disagree; I digress), but I would argue that takes A LOT OF practice! 

And first, ready for this… 

1.  YOU HAVE TO BELIEVE IT IS POSSIBLE!

Only then can you start to learn how.

It bears repeating a few times.  You are making this mistake because you care about someone.  You aren’t doing this for your own good (although yes, sometimes you are trying to send the message that “I did this for you!  I spent MY TIME doing this FOR YOU!!”  (meant to be read with emphasis, not yelling at the person in your head).

I have made clear the main and most common reason you keep making this mistake.  You have to stop doing what is so normal, routine and frequent in your life, just for one person.

I also want to gently point out two, less common reasons, and arguably more complicated as the reason why I see spouses and children try to change behavior using reason to convince their spouse or parent with dementia.

2.  It is hard not to be right. 

Hmmm… that one hurts a little and can be hard to admit.  This tends to be more common where relationships might be a little strained to begin with. 

Mom was a bit controlling and you handled this your whole life by sticking to your guns, no matter what she said.  Now, this just means more arguments.  It may not have meant peace earlier in your life, but it was your coping mechanism. 

Your husband was always stubborn.  He always spoke harshly.  He was always abrupt or quick to argue.  You adjusted by fighting back or going cold.  Now, you are hitting a new height. 

You may have spent the life of this relationship responding in a certain way as your way of coping.  Enter dementia.  How do you pick apart the threads of daily life and determine what is the old person and what is the dementia … and does it matter?  It might matter to you.  That is understandable. And.  The path forward might be the same even if you started with a compromised relationship.

I had one client that had a very difficult childhood herself, and her family shared that she was a bit stubborn to begin with.

HER coping mechanism was that NO ONE EVER could try to coerce or convince her.

This also meant that her husband, an engineer, had to step way outside his own way of thinking.  Yes, he changed and became more responsive to her emotions than to what he saw as logical.  Talk about showing great love and devotion to his wife to make this change in his behavior, wow! 

It also meant that her three kids had to let a lot of hard things happen.  She got lost because she insisted, she would drive herself.  Or.  She refused to join the family vacations because someone expressed concern for her. 

Hard things to manage.  Dementia or no dementia. 

There is a difference between not being wrong and being right.  Not being wrong leaves, a lot of room for variation in a situation.  Being right may come from something deeper inside of you.  As you love and care for your spouse or parent with dementia, this might be the beginning of a time for you to heal.  It might be a time for you to re-evaluate why you react and respond as you do and evaluate if you want to try something new. 

3. The belief that it doesn’t matter.

• It doesn’t matter because mom will forget.
• It doesn’t matter because dad is so confused.
• It doesn’t matter because my husband isn’t aware.
• It doesn’t matter because I just have to make things happen and my wife will get over it.

If I don’t believe in something, I have a hard time committing.  This is true for all of us and a stumbling block that often takes “seeing to believe.” 

Not everything can be fixed by reading a post.  This is one of them. 

As we head into what you can do, I will ask those of you who can relate to these latter two points, having a hard time not being right and or believing that it doesn’t matter how you engage with your loved, to simply consider what you will read.  

You are here, reading this post for a reason.  

You got this far in the post because something is resonating with you.  

I have walked this journey with people who have experienced similar situations to you and had the same thoughts as you.  

• I have worked with women who were abused by their husbands and or children abused by their fathers.   
• I worked with parents who never told their children they loved them.
• I worked with children who were not the “fair haired child”, but did end up as the primary caretaker.  

I understand that your underlying issues or beliefs started long before this disease.  And that this disease is only complicating all of those issues.  

I never asked these people to believe what I am writing here, nor do I ask you.  

I simply asked them to consider and try, and I ask the same of you.  

Let your own thinking be changed by what you see.

So, What Do You Do Instead?

Now that we have established the frequency, difficulty and reason hope is low as it relates to how you explain yourself and comfort your loved one with dementia, without using reason, (hence, the reason you just took a huge deep breath!), the good news is here. 🙂

Here are four simple in mind and practical (and will take practice) in nature that you can take instead of falling into the logic loop:

1.  Apologize—even when you’re not wrong.

Let’s go back to Clare and Vivian.

Clare knows she reminded her mom. She’s right.

But instead of proving she’s right, what if she said:

“Mom, please forgive me. In the hustle and bustle of life, I thought I told you.”

That’s true. Clare did think she told her because … she did tell her. But by focusing on connection instead of correction, Clare validates her mom’s experience and eases the tension.

She could go on to say:

“I know this is catching you way off guard and that is very unsettling. I would feel the exact same way and I am so sorry you are feeling this way!”

Because this is all true!  Clare doesn’t want her mom to feel unsettled, ever, about anything.

“This time, can I ask you to forgive me so we can get to the appointment, and later today, we can discuss a better system to make sure this doesn’t happen again? “

Clare is trying to achieve success in this moment.  She is not trying to create a plan that will work for all of time.  She knows she will likely be in this exact spot again. Clare is also involving Vivian in problem solving for the future, where she might (or might not) offer a nugget of insight Clare can use next time.

In all of this, Clare didn’t admit to being wrong, but she did acknowledge and validate for Vivian that something wrong happened here.  Clare responds to the feeling, not the logic.

2.  Learn from your mistakes.

Without calling it this, life is made up of many trials and errors.  For instance:

• Husband makes a joke to wife about wife. 
  • Wife gets upset.
• Husband apologizes.
• Next time, he makes a similar joke but differently.
  • Does wife get upset or not? 
• Husband adjusts accordingly.    

This is a pattern every one of us is ALTOGETHER FAMILIAR.  This pattern of changing based on what you learn in a situation.  The good news is that you already possess the skills needed to apply this principle with your spouse or parent with dementia.

The hard part is that it requires you to pay attention.  Let’s say your mom keeps asking where her own mother is.

You tell her, “Mom, Grandma passed away years ago.” (true and logical)
And she gets upset—every time. (she has an emotional response)

That’s your cue to try something different.

Maybe next time, you say, “You were such a wonderful daughter. What do you remember most about your mom?” or “I think she’d be so proud of how you’re doing.” (you have responded to the emotion you saw last time she asked for her mother.)

When something doesn’t work—don’t repeat it. Try another response. 

Inside my self-paced program, Dementia Caring with Kerry, we break these exact situations down—with stories, examples, and mindset shifts to help you practice.

We tackle tough scenarios like:

• “I want to go home.”
• “I need to go to work.”
• “Where is my mother?”

The lessons are practical and human—and built to help you succeed, not just manage your loved one.

The truth is: you are the answer.

Not because you have to do everything. But because how you engage changes everything.

This is about your growth, your behavior, your mindset. And we give you tools and stories to make it all feel doable.

3.  Don’t be afraid to make mistakes.

This might sound counterintuitive.  You might be wondering, “didn’t she just read the rest of what she wrote here?”  Jive me with a moment.

I am actually getting ahead of something that IS going to happen. 

You actually are going to make mistakes.

You are going to lose your patience again.  You are going to get frustrated again.  Knowing the right thing to do and practicing it every time aren’t the same thing.  Since the ultimate goal is for your spouse or parent with dementia to have an engaged and peaceful life, this is also the goal I have on the docket for you.

With this in mind, let me explain further. I want you to expect, to continue to, make mistakes because when you are learning something, mistakes or trial and error, happen. 

• When you learned to walk, you fell many times.
• When you learned to ride a bike, you wobbled and crashed a few times.
• When you started the work in your profession, you made some mistakes at first.

This is all part of life.

Having reasonable expectations is one of the golden tools in this disease process!  Reasonable expectations for yourself and your spouse or parent with dementia.  This is one of the most common conversations that come up in my one-to-one family dementia coaching sessions. We cover a lot of ground here because reasonable expectations are a huge step to minimize disappointment!  So, mistakes happen, knowing this will bring you less disappointment.   🤯

4.  Practice often, your opportunities are plentiful.

People often live with dementia for years.  This isn’t a diagnosis that takes someone’s life in a year or is sudden like a car accident.  It is gradual and progressive.  The skills you learn today will carry you far into the future.  Time is actually on your side because people progress through this disease slowly.   As you learn the skills to love well, to care well and to live well with a spouse or parent with dementia, you have opportunity to practice, to tweak what you are doing, and can then learn how to move on when you are down on yourself and more. 

I worked with one lady who had a wonderful life with her husband.  They had no children, it was just the two of them.  By the world’s standards they had everything.  Homes, vacations, friends, each other.  She said it wasn’t until he was sick with Alzheimer’s disease, that she learned how to just “be” with him.  She said it was during this time, sitting by him when he slept.  Giving him a manicure when he just looked at her.  Walking hand in hand with no particular destination.  She said it was then, “that their relationship was the deepest.”  At their core, just being with each other was made manifest at the highest level.

By focusing on what can be done as it relates to your loved one with dementia, you will feel less helpless.

Your belief system, reactions and encounters are what will change your experience with this disease.

When you learn to put aside logic and reason and focus on connection and emotional needs of your spouse or parent, you can expect to have a more fulfilled relationship. 

It will take time.  You will practice and succeed.

You will get things done, you will set goals and accomplish them.  This change in approach does not mean mayhem, it just means you will focus differently.

Using real stories I have witnessed, to give you a little bit of the context, to make these suggestions 3D, our time in family dementia coaching is focused on human behavior; yours and your spouse and/or parent.  

You Might Be Wondering…

“If I stop using logic, am I lying?”

“What if this takes more of the precious time that I don’t have?”
“What if it’s too hard?”

“What if I simply don’t have the patience to try something that may not work?”

These are very reasonable concerns.   The truth is I don’t believe you have time or patience to waste. I don’t believe lying is a good thing (to people with dementia or anyone else) and this might be hard.  

And.

What you are doing right now is not working either.  It’s straining your relationship. It’s burning up time and patience.  You might find yourself muttering something (a truth or a lie or words you wish you hadn’t said).

How do I know this? 

Because I have served as the receiver of people’s confessions for 20+ years! 

• I have heard the regrets that mom long forgot but still haunts her daughter. 
• I have seen the faces twinge as wife’s admit what they said to their husbands and are disappointed in themselves. 
• I have seen sons clam up as they describe the dynamics with their dad when they tried to “help” but gave up with great defeat and sorrow. 

I could go on, but I’ll bet that I don’t have to.  In general, we often remember the offenses we commit long after those we've offended and certainly long after your loved one with dementia will.  

The problem is, you will remember.  

( ~ deep breath ~)

Spend the time.

Risk the patience.

Do the hard thing.

These might be the very solutions you have been waiting for to achieve a role with your spouse or parent that you only dreamed about.  

What's the worst outcome…that you keep getting the outcome you are currently getting?

The Heart of It All

You want peace. Love. A relationship you can feel proud of—even if it looks different than before.  You’re here reading this because something inside of you knows there has to be another way.

This post gave you four practical and powerful steps to take to avoid the mistake of using reason or logic to try to convince your spouse or parent with dementia to change their behavior.  These steps are

1. Apologize—even when you’re not wrong.
2. Learn from your mistakes.
3. Don’t be afraid to make mistakes.
4. Practice often, your opportunities are plentiful.

 Try them. And if you stumble, that’s okay. Try again.

These four steps are

❤️simple to understand,

❤️profound to comprehend and

❤️take practice to succeed.

I know you are fully capable of making this change. 

Do you know why? 

• You are already doing the hard work of loving your spouse or parent with dementia. 
• You are already putting in the time. 
• You are already motivated by the love you have.
• You are already willing to make changes, evidenced by all the changes you have already made.

Because of this, I know you can apply these changes and that you will have success. What that success looks like and the story it takes to get there, well,  you will know after you try.

Ready to Take the Next Step?

This is one mistake on a long list of things spouses and children do every day—because they love deeply.

So why not learn a more satisfying way to show that love?