If you’re caring for a spouse or parent with dementia, you’ve probably found yourself thinking…

“What is going on inside dad’s brain? Why is my wife acting like this? And how can I help without making things worse?”

You're not alone.

When someone you love is living with dementia, whether it’s Alzheimer’s, vascular dementia, or mild cognitive impairment, etc. it can feel like they’re slipping away. You want to understand them. You want to be helpful. You want to love them well through this. Because understanding someone is one of the clearest, most beautiful ways we show we care.

But here’s what makes this so hard.

When someone’s brain starts to change, and you can’t understand it or predict it, you start to make assumptions. And assumptions put you on rocky ground. You might overreact or underreact. You might start to believe things that aren’t true. You might think they’re being stubborn, or not listening, or being difficult—when really, they simply can’t do things the way they used to. It’s confusing. And painful. For both of you.

That’s why it’s so important to understand what’s going on inside their mind. Because when you start to get it—even just a little more than you did before—everything begins to shift.

Let’s follow the story of Lydia and Jimmy throughout this blog.

They’ve been married 47 years. Both were sharp, driven professionals who took pride in their work and the life they built together. Then Jimmy was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s. At first, he could express what he was experiencing. But over time, that ability faded. Lydia didn’t know how to respond. She found herself yelling more than she ever had—something that had happened in their marriage before, but now it came with a wave of guilt. She knew his behavior was related to the disease, but she didn’t know a better way to handle it.

Then one day, Jimmy grabbed her wrists in frustration. It scared her. She became more controlling, more reactive, and more heartbroken. She didn’t want to become the kind of caregiver she was turning into—but she didn’t know how to change it.

Today, Lydia treats Jimmy with more dignity and respect than she ever has. And Jimmy doesn’t just trust her—he rests his whole life in her hands.

Let’s look at what changed—and how you can begin to create the same kind of shift in your own relationship.

Here’s what you’ll gain when you start understanding the brain of your loved one with dementia:

❤️ Confidence in how you care and how you love
When you understand what’s really going on, you stop second-guessing yourself. You stop wondering if you’re helping or hurting. You start feeling more confident about what you say, what you do, and how you show up. You’ll be able to love in ways that actually connect with your loved one, which builds trust, peace, and comfort for both of you.

❤️ Clarity, which leads to satisfaction
Dementia care is full of unknowns. But when you start to understand what works and why, you stop feeling like every day is a shot in the dark. You’ll have fewer moments of confusion and more moments of “That went well.” You’ll find a sense of direction. And believe it or not, you may even experience clarity and satisfaction—two words that almost never show up in the same sentence as dementia. But they can. And they do.

❤️ A piece of yourself, restored
When someone you love changes, it changes you, too. It’s easy to feel like you’ve lost the version of yourself that was steady, kind, patient, or capable. You might start expressing yourself in ways you wish you didn’t—snapping, withdrawing, feeling reactive or angry. But when you begin to understand your loved one’s mind, you start to feel less lost. You get back more of your ability to respond with love. You reconnect with the version of yourself that you miss.

In this blog post, I’m going to show you three steps to start better understanding what’s happening inside your spouse’s or parent’s brain—and how that understanding can help you both feel more supported, more connected, and more at peace.

Let’s get into it.

Step 1: Learn What Does Work

In many forms of dementia, the memory center has been damaged—sometimes destroyed. Imagine a raindrop hitting the windshield of a moving car. You see it land, it trails for a second, and then it's gone. That’s what short-term memory looks like in a brain with dementia. New information may land for a moment, but it doesn’t stay. And when we rely on verbal reminders or conversations as the main form of communication, it can lead to the greatest frustration on both sides.

You speak, thinking what you're saying has value—because of course it does. But somewhere in the middle of the sentence, you realize it’s not landing. You might as well be talking to the wall. And that moment creates a wave of frustration, sadness, and helplessness.

For your loved one, the experience is equally hard. They might not remember that they forgot—but your reaction can signal to them that you’ve already told them. And that’s often where the embarrassment, anxiety, or even anger comes in. They may not recall the information, but they do pick up on your tone, your tension, or your frustration. That emotional undercurrent tells them, “I’m supposed to know this.” And when they don’t, it can leave them feeling ashamed or defensive without even knowing why.

So what does work?

What works is helping your loved one access information in a different way. Think: muscle memory. Routines. Repetition that’s visual and physical—not just verbal. For example, instead of telling your spouse about an upcoming doctor’s appointment over and over, post a clear, simple note in a place where they’ll see it regularly—like the refrigerator, the front door, or beside the bed.

And here’s the key: every time you talk about the appointment, walk over with them and read the note together. Over time, their brain will start associating that spot with important information. That’s a win.

In every Family Dementia Coaching session, inevitably, we discuss some aspect of how the brain is supposed to work—and how dementia changes that. This isn’t just about memory. It’s about thinking, reasoning, processing, emotion, behavior, and communication. I take a different approach than most people do when they talk about dementia. You won’t find a generic list of disease stages or a breakdown of every symptom that could ever happen. Why? Because I believe you need something more useful.

Instead, I show you how to look at the specific changes happening in your loved one’s brain and connect those changes to what you’re actually seeing in everyday life. That helps you focus your attention where it matters—and avoid wasting precious time and energy on things that don’t help.

Because this isn’t about theories. It’s about what works.

Step 2: Apply

When you understand what does and doesn’t work in the brain of someone with dementia, the next step is to try it out. Don’t overthink it. Don’t wait until you feel fully ready. This is where the change starts—by simply applying what you’ve learned.

Let’s go back to Lydia and Jimmy.

After learning how Jimmy’s brain was processing (or not processing) information, Lydia realized that repeating things verbally was only making both of them more agitated. So she tried something different. She started putting a note on the kitchen counter where Jimmy drank his morning coffee. One day, it was a reminder about an upcoming visit from the grandkids. Lydia didn’t explain it out loud like she used to. She simply pointed to the note.

Jimmy read it and lit up. “Oh, the kids are coming!” he said. Then he asked, “What will we do for lunch?” Lydia had already taken care of it, so she reassured him, and they shared a calm, happy moment. He may not have remembered it later, but in that moment, they both got to enjoy a small piece of connection.

And when he asked again a few hours later, Lydia didn’t sigh or explain. She just brought him back to the note.

That’s the power of applying what works.

Family Dementia Coaching sessions are in large part about, helping you know how to think differently about what’s happening with your spouse or parent. When you think right, you start to do right. That’s the shift. It’s not just about having a list of tactics—it’s about having confidence in your thinking. That’s what allows you to apply the right strategy at the right time, in a way that fits your loved one and your situation. The steps become easier to follow because your mindset is grounded. Your heart is steadier. You stop trying everything and start choosing what actually makes sense.

And that confidence? It’s often what changes everything.

Step 3: Reflect and Adjust

Some things you try will work beautifully. Others won’t. That was already true before dementia—and it’s still true now. The difference is, once you start trying with intention, you also gain the ability to reflect with purpose.

Let’s go back to Lydia and Jimmy one more time.

After a few weeks of posting notes where Jimmy would see them, Lydia noticed something unexpected. Jimmy had started taking the notes with him—folding them up and putting them in his pocket. Which meant they were no longer in their usual place when she needed to point him back to them.

At first, it felt like a setback. But then Lydia realized something important: Jimmy recognized these notes as valuable. He didn’t want to lose them. He wanted to keep them with him. That was a win in itself.

So Lydia adjusted. She picked up a small whiteboard and placed it in the same familiar spot. Now, she could write the reminders each day in a way that couldn’t be folded and tucked away. And Jimmy could still engage with the information, without accidentally removing it from where it needed to stay. A small tweak. A double win.

This is what reflecting and adjusting looks like.

No one is expecting perfection, but I do ask you to change your perspective. When you understand what’s happening in the brain, you stop making everything personal. You start making sense of what’s going on, and that allows you to respond with more calm, more clarity, and less emotional weight.

You don’t need to be a perfect caregiver  But it is very helpful to be a thoughtful one. And when you reflect and adjust, that’s exactly what you become.

You might be wondering…

“I’m already tired. I feel like I’m barely holding it together. How can I possibly try something new right now?”

That is such a valid question.

And here’s what I want you to know: this isn’t about piling on. It’s not about doing more. It’s about doing what actually works—and giving yourself permission to stop doing what doesn’t.

When you take even just an hour to understand how your loved one’s brain is functioning (and how it’s not), you’ll start to see the patterns. You’ll stop chasing every symptom or reacting to every behavior. And that means you can focus your energy on what actually helps—both of you.

This isn’t about throwing everything at the wall and hoping something sticks. That’s exhausting. That’s messy. And that’s often what caregivers end up doing by default, simply because they haven’t been shown a better way.

But there is a better way.

When we have a Family Dementia Coaching session, I will help you pause the chaos so you can think clearly again. When your thinking is clearer, your actions become simpler. And when your actions feel simpler, your days feel lighter.

That’s what we’re after—not perfection. Just peace.

Let’s take a breath and look at where we’ve been

You want to understand your loved one with dementia. Not just so you can care for them better—but because you love them, and you want to feel that connection again. You want more peace, more confidence, and more clarity in a situation that can feel like anything but.

And those things are possible.

Here’s what you’ll gain when you start to understand how their brain is working:

❤️ Confidence in how you care and how you love

❤️ Clarity that leads to more peace and fewer “what now?” moments

❤️ A renewed sense of yourself—as a thoughtful, steady presence in your spouse or parents life

And here’s how to get there:

1. Learn what works by understanding what’s really going on inside the brain
2. Apply that knowledge in simple, practical ways that bring more calm and connection
3. Reflect and adjust so your care becomes more thoughtful, more effective, and less exhausting

When you do this, something powerful happens: you move from reacting to responding. From chaos to clarity. From fear to peace. And you do it without losing yourself in the process.

You’re already putting in the time and the heart. Let’s make sure it’s working for you and for them.

Ready for more clarity and calm in your care?

You are already showing up with love and effort. That tells me you care deeply—and that you’re ready for more than just surviving this season. You want to understand what’s happening, and you want to respond in a way that brings more calm, connection, and dignity to both of you.

Family Dementia Coaching   is a time where you will learn how to think differently—so you can care differently. You’ll learn what’s happening in your loved one’s brain, how to approach common challenges with more confidence, and how to stop second-guessing every decision you make.

This isn’t about fixing your loved one. It’s about giving you the clarity and confidence to support them in a way that actually works.

You won’t find a long list of tasks or unrealistic expectations. You’ll find insight, support, and real examples that help you feel more steady in your role—because when you feel steady, everything else gets lighter.